.....By Tijjani Muhammad Musa
Happiness in marriage is multi-facet and depends on the individual both male and female. So many things combine to produce a blissful happy marriage. Among them are the followings;
1. Living together as husband and wife according to the Qur'an and Sunnah of the Prophet SAWS. This is most important please. So the need for you to study and abide by them all.
2. True love, not for what you have or who's son or daughter your spouse is, but who they are as a person, is none negotiable. You see, if you marry anyone not based on love, which in itself will wane with time unless constantly re-invented, refreshed, recharged, re-invigorated, it is bound to be a failed union.
3. Courtship must be based on sincerity, truthfulness, flare, excitement, smiles and much laughter. What I mean here is always tell each other the truth about yourselves. Likes, dislikes, wants, diswants, pleasures, displeasures etc. Any time you promise to do a thing or be there for any reason, always fulfill thy promise. This will establish a sound reputation for you in your partner's mind and she or he will forever believe you and in you.
On flare and swagga, be you always clean and well dressed, appearing in clothing that you are most comfortable in, that you usually wear. But if they are revealing of your shape and attributes, please restrain the urge. Then be lively and cheerful and always store interesting gist to share with each other when you meet. Also watch out for moods, which are infectious and quickly adapt, to show you are one with each other.
4. If you are truly intending to marry her or him, try as much as you can not to have pre-marital ''garmenting'' i.e. sex, even if the other partner should lay it down as a pre-condition for marriage. Keep your chastity at all cost. You see, none of you two can guarantee for sure whether the union will actually happen or not, as confident of your love and compatibility as you might be about each other. And I don't mean discovering something nasty about one another in the course of the courtship that might warrant a change of mind. Travelling, sickness, deformity, death could change the status quo and when you have indulged in the garmenting thing, the woman is left the looser always and of course the guy could be too, if he is blessed with a higher grade of modesty than the average guy.
5. Time, this is a very valuable asset to you, but it must not be more valuable than your wife-to-be. I have said it before, the greatest need of the woman is ATTENTION, while for the man, it is TO BE LOVED. I could be wrong though. Now based on that, you MUST spend as much time as you can spare with her, talking about everything under the sun, sharing your private and most intimate thoughts. Do not forget to LISTEN to her when she wants to talk and help her develop her interest along with yours, so that you start to think as one entity. Be a FRIEND to her. Let her realize that you are her best friend and keep her secrets secret. NEVER let her get to hear something she told you only, to be heard by her from somewhere else. It will mean you have a ''Basket mouth''. Of course you should not.
6. Be the man! Assert your authority from Day One. Let her know what you will tolerate and what you will not. Also start expressing your joys and pleasures about things you approve that she does and vice-versa. Keeping quiet, waiting till you are married before showing your authority over her is tantamount to cowardice. She'll always say ''Wallahi, you have changed. You were not like this before you married me. So now that you have gotten me where you want, you can make your selfish demands and put your unfair restrictions upon me. Well for your information, you can't!'' and then you will have a herculean task bringing things back to order. Trust me on all this, Allah Has Given me 15 years of marital bliss and more. It is a good thing to hate being single, you are desirous of something much more better and Allah SWT Will bless you with it. Though there is nothing wrong with being single for life, if you will safeguard your chastity, that is.
7. During the course of your courtship, take the role of her husband full time. Demand obedience, respect, courtesy, interaction with your family members, whom you must take the trouble to introduce her to and insist she gives them their due regards. You must lead by example. You must do everything to her own family that you want her to do to your family. Take her with you to both sides, your side as well as her side, Show no difference between the two. Be fair and just in your dealings. Do not disrespect her family members and she will not disrespect yours. If she does, let fire rain down. All this nonsense about a wife being rude to one's family boils down to this or to your failure to express your intolerance from the on-set. Oops am forgeting, not all of us are equally blessed by Allah SWT to do this though. Anyway, just prepare yourself for an exciting journey. Patience is next.
8. No, not patience yet. Diplomacy, my broh. You must be very diplomatic. Take the trouble to do what needs to be done, when it needs to be done, where it needs to be done and to whom it needs to be done as at when due. MOST IMPORTANTLY, do it FOR ALLAH'S SAKE ONLY. You will NEVER BE SAD. NEVER! You know why? Most people would never appreciate what u do, starting from.....your spouse. So if you are expecting that or a ''Thank you, Honey'' and it is not forth coming, you will be grossly disappointed. But if you say to yourself ''This is for ALLAH's Sake'', then if nobody says "Thank you Darling" or says to your wife ''Wallahi, your husband is a kind hearted man, please thank him for me'' then you are always good, for you know deep down, if Allah Accepts the act of you, your reward is assured, guaranteed and safe with HIM AWJ. Any thanks from others will just be a bonus.
9. Now, let's talk about Patience. Please refer to the sound example of the Prophet's marital life. Go into his household and observe carefully how he conducts his affairs with his wives. Nothing can be said to elucidate this better. A'ah G'man, you may need to do some research now.
10. Let's move to the next very important matter. Study Your Partner. The moment you see a wife or husband material that captures your interest and imagination, you must switch on your 'Curiousity Mode'. You must become a researcher, scrutinizing your target with your eyes stealingly, listening attentively and studying their body language. You can learn so much about a person from these in the first instance as to know if you will get on well. Many choices of partners come to a failure due to lack of this. Remember, this is someone you might end up spending your whole life with, so everything must be right, but not 'PERFECT' with you. Also give room for some "discounts" please. If you do a sound job at this, you will never be there as a single again, unless if your wifey or hubby unfortunately dies. Now about that, me too I no get experience at all, at all. *smiles*
11. You have finally arrived at the marriage union and celebrations... Oops Mr. Groom, about the Sister, she knows what I know not and maybe I know what she knows not. So if she needs my advice, am sure I need hers' even more.... Ehen, the marriage ceremony. Here elders, culture, traditions, ethics, personal principles etc all have to be addressed. Gaddafi, ''BANDA 'KARYA!'' meaning "NO LIES!'' Celebrate it to the fullest within your limit and financial capacity. Let whoever wants to contribute to one of your most important days do so, without your asking for it. DON'T BE EXTRAVAGANT. ALLAH HATES IT. Capture it all in your memory, 4 yr memories. Stories will be told by you two to your children in sha Allah....*smilez*.
Remember to execute the marriage in accordance with the Islamic injunctions. I know some celebrants would 'yab' you, that you are being ol' fashioned and the rest. But do not forget that, they will leave for another wedding ceremony and you will deal with the aftermath of your disobedience to Allah and you know not in which way HE SWT would extract retributions as a trial upon you both. Also remember Allah much all through the occasion. And "Angon......, Gaddafi dan Iyal, ku yi celebrating the marriage till the whole city, no! country, kai till the global village echoes it and vibrate!
12. On your WEDDING NIGHT, you must be calm, and as eager as you might be to be with your ''Iyawo'' i.e. bride, you must not fail to perform the 2 raka'ats of salat and thank Allah SWT for giving you success in making your heartbeat, your constant companion from that moment on. Then after that, you are to hold her head and recite the du'a (supplications) of the Holy Prophet Muhammad SAWS, seeking all the goodness in her and warding off all evil from her. Then sit and gist while eating or drinking and congratulate each other for pushing the proverbial camel through the needle hole. Then reach out to each other, but do not forget to say the Prophet's du'a of launching your garmenting era with your "Amarya" or "Ango" i.e. groom before your very first encounter, then ''GARMENT'' till day break.
Break it, take a bath and pray Subh' and garment some more. Break once in a while eat, pray your salats refresh, recharge and indulge all over again. Exhaust your individual fantasies like there will be no tomorrow. Wow! Its 24 hours already, "How time flies when you are having fun" Well recharge and hey, you 2, crawl up the ceiling, cling to it upside down if you can, in the corridor, on the kitchen floor, in the bath, against the wall, standing, kneeling, bending, one leg up, lying down, from the front, through the back, hey go NUCLEAR, explore all possibilities, and bang each other till you can hardly lift a finger... savor FREEDOM!!!!!!!
13. Finally, G'man, there are learned people endowed by Allah, the Only God worthy of your worship, who can tell you what are the complete requirements of an Islamic marriage are, consult them, verifying your facts via reading for yourself from Sahih (authentic) sources, so that you do not get misled by so-called malams. Hopefully, you are abit ok with these little experiences of mine. Now, I might be wrong in my explanations, so do not take them until you confirm from the Qur'an and Hadiths before absorbing it. Any where you find me iin contradictions against these sources, PLEASE IGNORE MEEEEEE!
Conclusion: For your information, this is the PRE-MARITAL experiences (my personal), there is PART II i.e. POST- MARITAL, which we will treat another time in sha Allah... In that part, watch out for: First 90 Days (3 Months) of Discovery... If you scale this stage, you stand a good chance of having a successful marriage. You fail to pass through these days and em....em...em..... Hey Gee, gotto go
(Written as comments on a Facebook status update, available in My Notes on my Facebook Profile)
Tijjani Muhammad Musa
(c)(r) 2009 All Rights Reserved